Men Are From Earth. Women… Are From Earth.

Listening to: Telekinesis – Please Ask For Help

Even pandas are watching porn these days.

Don’t laugh! Human beings reside at the top of the food chain, but our sexual priorities are just as haywire as the rest of the animal kingdom. There is an eternal divide between the priorities of men and women. I can’t help but feel some helpful conclusions can be drawn to assist us in the struggle to understand each other. Pandas have less interest in mating than the EMTs on call in Manassas, Virginia on June 23^rd, 1993. Maybe they’ve given up on the trifling ways of the opposite sex and prefer to extinguish themselves with dignity intact. Let’s get into it.

But first, can we talk about porn for a minute? I like to think that no subject is taboo in these discussions. What is the appeal of internet porn? From a biological standpoint, we are saddled at birth with the primal urge to perpetuate our species. Is internet porn a reasonable alternative to pacifying these urges? Obviously it pales in comparison to the real thing. But with the advent of 3D and holographic technology, will internet porn continue to evolve and forever dilute our concept of true love and relationships? If I have Kelly LeBrock at my beckoning call, why do I need a real girlfriend? I have spent way too much time pondering the future psychosocial implications of internet pornography. Are there statistics to support that internet porn reduces the incidence of sexually transmitted diseases? Maybe the census will show that internet porn has brought overpopulation to a screeching halt, steadying the consumption of our planet’s resources and allowing us to live in perfect harmony. Suddenly Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson are written into scripture as the patron saints of pornography. Not even the Mayans could have predicted that the five knuckle shuffle would be our final salvation.

End rant. I swear I was going somewhere with this. OK. From an evolutionary standpoint, I know we’re just barely out of the jungle. But I’m not just ruffling my feathers here, grunting, purring, sticking out my chest and hoping to mount something for reasons beyond my own comprehension. Did you know that male lions lap up female urine, swig it around and deeply inhale, baring their teeth for the female lioness before they mate? True story. Our complex brains are what set humans apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. We have multi-faceted lives built around civilized societies, accomplishing intricate tasks on a daily basis to keep the whole system afloat. So why are so many people still lost in the jungle when it comes to relationships? What causes the psychological rift between the sexes? Surely we have gained some helpful insight over the years regarding the inner monologues of the opposite sex. I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations. Some people get it right the first time. I’m worried about those of us who more closely resemble the orangutan slinging feces at its mate rather than trying to understand its point of view. So many people get fed up with the “social song and dance” that occurs, drowning in the facetious formalities they’ve been taught over time. It starts with the eye contact! Forward but not too forward. Available, but not too available. Confidence. Chivalry. Opening doors, pulling out chairs, the obligatory phone call to make sure she made it home. Domestic skills. Honesty. Integrity. Security. Exclusivity. Compromise. All the inner-workings of a successful relationship. How much of this actually matters? (So far, all of it.) Let me preface this by saying, I’m no love doctor. I’ve only had a handful of relationships. However, I’ve had countless friends and acquaintances come to me with relationship issues. After a while, it’s easy to connect the dots and understand certain basic principles that plague the affairs of men and women. Many problems are predictable, if not preventable altogether. In the end, there will be no magical combination to understanding the opposite sex. At the very LEAST, we can have some fun digging into both genders in search of coital clarity. Ladies first!

Men are from Mars. Women are from… Venus? Is this just a benign phrase like “agree to disagree”… or can I actually learn something here? I suppose I can draw some similarities between women and the 2^nd planet from the Sun. The heavy volcanism on Venus reflects a certain fury that radiates from women when their intuition detects something amiss. The molten hot magma will brew within her until one unlucky encounter blows the lid off the whole thing. Much like a volcano, this eruption is likely to occur at regular intervals with seemingly little provocation on the surface. Dig a little deeper and you’ll discover the chemical process that set her ablaze. Being that you are two individuals with varying history and outlooks on life, arguments are inevitable. Your similarities AND your differences are part of what attracted you to each other in the first place. In the event of an eruption, your ability to remain calm is your only salvation. Rarely will arguments be entirely one person’s fault. As Bob Dylan so aptly describes in “Positively Fourth Street”, each person is correct from their respective points of view. One can never lose sight of that. Calm and rational discussion is easier said than done, but you have to remember it’s not about winning or losing. It’s about compromise. You should also remember that this person wouldn’t be arguing with you if they didn’t care. You’re in this together, and you both want resolution. A dirty sock in the living room is no reason to call your divorce lawyer, so keep your emotions in check and try to address the REAL issue that’s bothering you instead of taking detours down trivial paths of contention.

Venus is known as both the Morning Star and Evening Star (depending on the season) because it shines brighter than any given star in the sky around sunrise or sunset. If you’ve had a few female companions, you may agree she’s at her best and brightest in the morning (before the grievances accumulate) and just before dusk (before the alcohol takes hold!) Of course, wine and spirits have a way of breaking down walls in both genders. However, from my experience women are more likely to expose their relationship issues after a few drinks, whereas men will just grunt louder and louder in an attempt to out-man the competition. At least women are extending an olive branch of communication, all be it soaked in alcohol (flammable) and peppered with land mines.

The fact that Venus never travels far from the Sun reminds me of a flattering conclusion I’ve come to about the female gender. First, I believe men will always be pre-occupied with being the alpha male. We will stray in a million different directions with frantic attempts at establishing a dominant stance in the world. Like it or not, we’ve been groomed as breadwinners our entire lives, and it’s incredibly important for us to be cocksure, self-reliant, and to defy all odds on the path to success. I think we even subconsciously create unreasonable odds just to see if we can conquer them. This is delusional and maybe a little unnecessary, and I can see why women have such a difficult time understanding it. Women probably see this meandering as a reflection of our dissatisfaction with the relationship, when really it’s just men being men. By all means, we should settle into a loving relationship and be glad to share our experiences with someone who deeply cares about us. Trust me, we’re working on it. On the other hand, I feel like women have a keen lock on what is truly important in life. The source of it all. Family/friends, nature/nurture, and the ever elusive prospect of true love. Just like Venus, they never venture far from the Sun. No matter how many times the boiling lava seeps through the cracks, scorching the terrain and leaving her bruised and broken; I rarely meet a woman who has abandoned all hope for true love. Sure, I’ve heard plenty of women SAY they’re giving up. I’m just not buying it. The radar for Mr. Right is still on high alert. No matter how many times a man breaks their trust or falls short of their expectations, that nurturing spirit will rise from the ashes like a fiery Phoenix and try to love again.

Finally, if I had to pick a more aesthetically pleasing gender, women are the obvious choice. The Romans named Venus after their goddess of beauty and love. With a curvaceous outline, long, flowing hair and a diverse fashion sense, I’m given a much larger palate to paint with. Our closest planetary neighbor is like a shiny diamond in the sky, and diamonds are a girl’s best friend. If there is a God, he definitely went to Jared.

And then you have Mars… the Roman God of War. This one is easy. The fiery Red planet is an appropriate and ominous symbol of man’s historically destructive nature. War, politics, and imperialism have been male conquests for most of recorded history. Since the era of hunting and gathering, men were forced to explore outside of their comfort zone to feed their families and acquire the resources necessary for survival. Women had their hands full at home raising children, leaving men to conquer their surroundings in increasingly efficient ways. With broad shoulders, height, strength, and speed, our form is highly functional and utilitarian. Physiologically, testosterone is the male component that plays into our aggression and our penchant for pushing the envelope. Without this basic instinct, human beings would accomplish nothing. Conversely, the female hormone oxytocin is the yin to our yang. Compassion nurtures the seeds of evolution, blossoming into the tremendous accomplishments we have seen throughout history. The scales tip back and forth constantly, and we must be adept in our individual roles while maintaining sensitivity to the needs of our counterparts. The advent of technology has raised human potential to heights as frightening as they are exciting. We have the potential to explore the universe, and we have the potential to destroy ourselves with the flick of a switch. Will we come to our senses? I’d say don’t hold your breath, but Mars has very little breathable oxygen…

The ever-elusive prospect of love. The primal urge. I simultaneously understand and do not understand this urge, but I know it’s unavoidable. I won’t lie, the prospect of marriage and kids rallies pretty fucking hard AGAINST the rational faculties of my brain. I’ve been jilted in love a few times. A long time ago, I burned the blueprints to the baby factory I once had intentions to build. I’ve been single for three years. Boarding up the windows and doors once and for all, I made my retreat back to the freedom farm where I could play by my own rules, cultivating any kind of life I want. I’m feeling more grounded than ever. I’m in control… and that’s a good thing right? I guess so. A strong sense of who you are as an individual is an absolute prerequisite to opening yourself up to another person. I have yet to find love that didn’t eventually uproot my entire existence, and that’s a pretty heavy commitment to just knowingly walk into. It can be insanely rewarding, and some of the best times of my life occurred in the throes of a committed relationship. Love is insanity. Reckless abandon. Seriously. The various definitions of insanity sound suspiciously like love to me. Insanity is abandoning your own rational faculties in response to some voice… some magnetic force pulling you in another direction. Emotionally, financially, and sometimes physically putting yourself in harm’s way for some intangible, inexplicable concept with an iron grip on your soul. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, which sounds a lot like marriage. The willingness to put someone else’s needs ahead of your own well-being is the ultimate act of selflessness. When you get it right, it’s beautiful. I want to get it right. No matter how jaded you have become, your denial is not absolute. You want to get it right. I don’t care how many black candles are lit in your gothic basement sanctuary. Your fortress of solitude. Without a doubt, there is SOMEONE out there who will unburden your soul and show you how to love again. Keep your eyes peeled.

So we bounce from place to place in random chaotic patterns; just molecules buzzing around hoping to collide with someone else and form a bond. Love, sex, chemistry, relationships, metaphysics, it’s all the same! So what if the male drone’s genitals explode during intercourse with the Queen Bee. (Also true.) You’re better than that! Maintain your optimism, and keep the lines of communication open. Love is not the movies. It’s difficult and it will drive you up a wall, but it’s worth it. It will challenge you to become a better person. OR you can be a hermit, holed up in some shoddy cabin deep in the forest. Be in love, or be the Unabomber. The choice is yours.

Building Heaven: Brick by Brick

Listening to: Arcade Fire – “Wake Up”

Ignorance is bliss, but you know way too much already.  In the Information Age, it’s impossible to stay above the influence. Only one man was able to achieve real isolation for 18 years, and later he was struck dead in a field by a bolt of lightning. (Powder, 1995) From the very beginning, you’re a product of your environment. The nuclear family, the neighbors, grade school, church, the grocery store; all of these people and places molding your fragile mind into a convoluted network of dos and don’ts, right from wrong, morality, the status quo, traditionalism, non-conformity, religion, money, and the American Dream. These are the fundamental values governing our society. Every person you meet will have their own set of hammer and nails, eager to pound a few more into your head and give you their version of the story. And of course, let’s not forget the TV. You wouldn’t know HALF of what you know if it wasn’t for this invention. Think about it! War, sports, fashion, sharks, volcanoes, planets, Kim Kardashian’s ass, etc. None of these phenomenons would make sense had they not been explained (and visually projected) to you by the almighty television. Now you’re mainlining data, swelling your psyche to epic proportions. We’re like ten-headed dragons with ten conflicting opinions, ready to spew molten hot misinformation at anyone who will listen.  I like to think of all my conflicting ideals as characters stranded on a deserted island, perhaps similar to the TV show Lost. Since finishing college in 2008, I’ve begun to gradually kill off my least favorite characters. This is a delicate task, and there’s no need to get trigger-happy. After roughly 22 years of educating yourself about the world, the wires are bound to be crossed. It’s easy to be confused about who you are and what’s important in your life, having so many hundreds of people influencing your decisions for so long. Once you identify your strengths and weaknesses and the character or ideal that is constantly preventing your own happiness, it’s time to let them go. Everyone has a character that sleeps in, avoids exercise, or gets drunk and makes bad decisions. Isolate the troublemaker, and it’s time to banish them (or at least demote them to a supporting role). You’re going to have to form your own protagonist, too. You need a primary breadwinner/caretaker on this island inside your head, or else you’re all screwed. He’s respectable, diplomatic, and intelligent…and he GETS THINGS DONE. Be that guy. Not all the time, but most of the time. Refine yourself to only what really moves you, captures your imagination, inspires you to succeed, and motivates you to take care of yourself and others. We all have some God-given talent to offer the world. Zero in on the profession that correlates best with your talent, and pursue it relentlessly. But, what about the powers that be? What about the glass ceiling, social inequality, and the ever present “Man” that everyone’s sticking it to? These are the island natives. The village elders have shaped and interpreted reality up to this point. How do we overcome their limitations? It’s hard to avoid the social constructions of those who came before you, but you have to be willing to sort through the bullshit. (And there’s plenty.) Children should be taught to question everything at a young age and attempt to isolate certain truths from the fear and propaganda of the constant power struggle. As a mortal human being, it’s only natural to feel insecure and uncertain about most things. The point is to be ACTIVELY UNCERTAIN, or inquisitive, analytical, and assertive enough to draw a line in the sand. You can be your own worst enemy, but you can also be a fucking hero to everyone you know. Politics have shaped your reality, but they can not steal it from you. You are the sole proprietor of a unique identity capable of forming its own conclusions. Take matters into your own hands.

There are many traps you can fall into on your quest for such crystalline clarity. Consider these more complex characters on the Lost Island inside your head. Everyone has the sleep monster, the party animal, the lazy guy on the couch, and the impulsive risk-taker. These are natural mood swings, and you can handle them all in moderation. But what about Mr. Nihilist, swinging from his hammock on the beach, tied between two coconut trees? He seeks refuge from the constant static and confusion of the Information Age. Rather than wade through the bullshit, this guy prefers to drop out of the race. Though it’s peaceful, relaxing, and seemingly harmless, it can become selfish over prolonged periods of time. Everyone has something to offer to the conversation, just like everyone can bring something to the family picnic. (Sometimes you man the grill and make the burgers, other times you bring a 2 liter and some napkins. Let’s be honest, the party fails if one of you doesn’t show.) Again, the apathy is a defense mechanism for mental exhaustion, and everyone gets worn out from time to time. So you can’t definitively kick Mr. Nihilist off the island, but you can enforce a vow of silence. Don’t engage others with your negative emotions. When you’re feeling tired and unproductive, this is your cue to shut up and get out of the way. Recognize it, rest, recover, and return to life when you’re feeling constructive again.

Others are stubborn and lost in a fantasy world of their own design. These are the agoraphobics, evangelicals, drug addicts, hoarders, the crazy cat ladies and the Charlie Sheens of the world. My heart goes out to these people. They are casualties to the confusion of the modern era. The brain is such a complex network of signals, and after time it becomes extremely difficult to untangle the web. We don’t have a reset button, we do have professional help. Psychologists and clinical counselors are standing by, ready to lend an ear and begin the unpleasant but imperative process of starting over.

The crux of the conflict on the Lost Island was Science vs. Faith. Hopefully these two characters will forever challenge each other to progress our species. Many people still associate the word “faith” with organized religion, but the word encompasses much more. By definition, faith is simply the trust or confidence in someone or something. Organized religion chooses to place their trust in deities or spiritual beings beyond the physical realm. Science is winning this argument, but ultimately it is very difficult to prove (or disprove) the existence (or non-existence) of something outside our physical realm. Therefore, I’m with John Lennon on this one: “Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn’t argue with that; I’m right and I will be proved right.” Eventually it will become obsolete. But who cares? We’re here, and we’re real, and we have limitless potential to build whatever Heaven or utopia we’ve written off to the afterlife. The Lost character John Locke (The “Man of Faith”) was similar to the English Philosopher of the same name in that he believed very strongly in human beings. Building heaven isn’t going to happen overnight, but combining faith, imagination, creation, and the expertise of modern science and technology, we can build any damn thing we want.

It’s just a great time to be alive, and I think a lot of people are underestimating that. FDR told us that with great power comes great responsibility, and we can’t afford to be intimidated by our present challenges. I put myself in the shoes of a kid growing up in the Dark Ages, or the period of depravity spanning the 5^th to 15^th century following the collapse of the Roman Empire. What a gyp! For nearly a thousand years, people had the life choked out of them by imperialist regimes and the battle between church and state. I can only hope that SOMEBODY at SOME POINT stopped to smell the roses. A young couple wanders down the shoreline at midnight, skipping as the icy waves break at their feet. You can barely carve their silhouettes from the backdrop of the indigo sky. Stopping to admire the crescent moon as it shimmers over the water, they gaze into each others eyes. Hearts swelling, heads spinning… the young girl thinks to herself hey, this isn’t so bad! I hope they could find some shred of appreciation for the planet which spawned and fostered them (even if they believed Earth was a flat slab at the center of the universe.) Today we have intelligent machines that facilitate communication and commerce on a global scale. We are traversing the planet in supersonic jet planes and mapping the galaxy with high powered telescopes. The mysterious moon hovering over us, inspiring and enticing our brains since the beginning of time… yeah… we WALKED on it. Give me a break. This is absolutely the most impressive, inspirational, and earth-shattering era that mankind has ever seen, and it is NOT to be taken for granted. A 15^th century farmhand would shit their pants if you told them all we’ve accomplished as of late… and the breakthroughs just keep coming.

So let’s get started. Let’s build our own Heaven, brick by brick. If a utopia were to exist, what would it look like? Peace and equality has been a latent goal of our politicians since the earliest societies, but the tendency is to get greedy and hoard all the resources for our own people. All human beings are created equal. We’re all in this together. Therefore, it’s important to show tolerance and diplomacy in building our respective utopias. Primarily, I think we should pool our resources to provide food and medical care for anyone who is willing to WORK for it, and use the remaining money and resources to support science and technology. Next up, the entrepreneurs can go to work building a safe, clean, and exciting environment for people to indulge their wildest fantasies. It seems silly, but restaurant owners buy property and attempt to create a relaxing environment for guests to enjoy in their spare time. There is music, entertainment, and servers who will bring you samples of any kind of food or refreshments you desire. In the eyes of the owner, this is what Utopia feels like. You want the Garden of Eden? Plant it. Even now, there are government grants available for ecology and the environmental sciences. You can procure a piece of land and build the most pristine habitat imaginable with trees, flowers, natural herbs, fruits, and vegetables. Sit outside tending your garden all the living long day. Clothing is optional in the Garden of Eden. How about an aircraft with a transparent tail-section? Guests can sit out among the clouds and take a harp lesson. I’m being ridiculous, but isn’t this what Heaven looks like? I hope you understand that technology isn’t far off from making our dreams a complete and tangible reality.

Figure out what you want, and go get it! There isn’t any time to waste. Again, I will leave you with someone who can summarize what I’m saying better than I ever could. Enjoy.

To Dream That Impossible Dream!

Listening to: Bob Dylan – “Tangled Up in Blue”

It’s that last moment in the dream before you wake up. There’s the sense of urgency as you dash from place to place, as if you know your time to explore is limited. The dream locations are composed of random bits from random experiences you’ve had throughout your life. An outdoor barbeque on your parent’s back porch, except the patio furniture is on the runway of an airplane terminal. The Boeing 747 cruises by and members of your high school clique are clad in tuxedos, milling about eating coleslaw and pulled pork sandwiches. Peer over the white picket fence you never had and wave to your neighbor, who of course is John Travolta, sharply dressed and constantly on the go. His 1974 Chevy Nova bellows every morning before dawn and if you pull your bedroom window curtain back, you’ll catch him tossing that black briefcase into the passenger seat, which contains either study materials for a recent Dianetics course or a mysterious golden light that your friends will debate over for the next 40 years. Fling open the front door to find your mailman Robert Downey Jr. taking mail out of your mailbox (and this isn’t the first time), but he’s so damn dapper and witty that you never question it, though you often speculate about the hidden agenda obscured in that ironic glare of his, especially since he gets invited in for tea by these stay-at-home moms who are done-up and conservatively dressed and never break their warming welcome-mat grins as they look both ways down the street before shutting the door. It’s pretty tough to tailgate this post-office punk. When he’s not vanishing within the confines of a gated community, he’s curbside on the right-side driver’s side of the postal van with a stack of mail in his lap and a shit-eating grin on his face. Objects in his rear-view mirror never go unnoticed no matter how close or far they appear, and he will fervently whip his right hand out the window signaling you to pass. You fear that befriending this enigmatic postman will involve you in affairs as exhilarating as they are dangerous, but a matter of pure happenstance unfolds on a frosty February morning that forces a relationship between you.

AND THEN you snap out of your deep and delusional slumber. The real-world surroundings gradually permeate your senses and that overwhelming sense of urgency slips like sand through your fingers. Whatever unfinished business you had there will have to wait until tomorrow night’s dream, or for my screenplay which will certainly follow that plot of post-office perversion, if I ever get around to it. The science of quantum mechanics postulates outer space is SO incredibly massive that statistically, every possible combination of events our feeble brains can imagine has occurred, either locally or in a parallel universe. Somewhere in the vast reaches of space, John Travolta really is your neighbor. Looks like dream logic is just an accessory to help us conjure up these infinite possibilities.

Ugh. How long was I out? What happened to the music? Has it been 51 minutes and 42 seconds already? Does everyone have a “favorite album to fall asleep to”? Though it only happens once in a great while, I will typically flip my iPod over to Bob Dylan’s “Blood on the Tracks” before bed. I have no idea why, since the album isn’t particularly ambient; nor does it possess the sedative soundscapes of Radiohead, Imogen Heap, or Brian Eno, or the Atlantic Ocean, pouring rain, swirling seagulls, or whatever those sleep-aid albums are pushing these days. My only hypothesis is that Bob Dylan’s music is the adult equivalent of a bed-time story. I like to picture the grizzly old poet popping a squat next to my bed, thumbing the pages of his weighty tome, telling lush tales of heartbreak and social unrest in the 1960s. A great storyteller will tap certain emotions that are universally understood (fear, love, isolation, curiosity, excitement) and then decorate the setting with gushing details. Suddenly, you and Bob Dylan are rubbing elbows down those rusted railroad tracks with the same blistering, idiot wind stinging your earlobes. It doesn’t matter if you’re the empathetic type or not; great storytelling forces you to empathize.

empathy [(em-puh-thee)] – the capacity to understand another person’s point of view, the capability to share another being’s feelings and emotions as if they were your own

I think most people over the age of 15 have come to realize the brevity of a human life-span and have begun filling their bucket list accordingly. I haven’t met a single person who doesn’t want to travel the world. So many tall buildings and picture perfect mountain-scapes, the Golden Gate Bridge, the Grand Canyon, the white sand, crystal blue water, and floating huts of Bora Bora, the Hawaiian islands, the perfect snow drift sweeping over a ski-slope in the Swiss Alps, the French café on the second level of the Eiffel Tower, a quaint village in Sicily where you dine outside on the most delectable tortellini con pesto alla Sicilliano and enjoy the afternoon entertainment of a string quartet on the cobblestone patio, looking down the road to witness the minimum wage-making florist serenading the mob-boss’ daughter outside her window. A seedy slice of dive-bar heaven tucked away in a dark Chinatown alley, the nude beaches of Venice, the new Cosmopolitan casino in Las Vegas, the toilet water that flushes counterclockwise in New Zealand, and your utter disappointment when you discover this Coriolis Effect was mostly bullshit perpetuated by the Simpsons’ episode “Bart vs. Australia”; so you sail east to Easter Island around Easter time on a Monday in April, the day after Pentecost Sunday and you have neglected to receive communion since Ash Wednesday which is a mortal sin, so you cross the International Date Line by sea and it’s Sunday again and you find the nearest chaplain to feed you a cardboard biscuit so you can avoid eternal damnation in Hell. THERE IS SO MUCH FUN TO BE HAD! It’s damn near inevitable that you will be left with a few unchecked boxes on your bucket list. Unfinished business. My recommendation? Empathy.

Sure, it pales in comparison to the scenic route of experiencing all these things yourself, but with so much to do, so much to see, what’s wrong with taking the backstreets? (I had to.) Your capacity to relate to someone else’s feelings, if you really master it, can unveil a whole wide world of experience you simply don’t have time to live through yourself. Empathy can help calm the urges of the relentless consumer in all of us and, perhaps more importantly, the part of us that is compelled to live life in the fast lane (which will surely make you lose your mind), to sample the delights of every person, place, and thing we encounter, to be limitless, to have no reservations, no commercials, no mercy, to understand our place in the world and ultimately, to die with no regrets.

Heeding the advice of your elders is the most important and most challenging form of empathy that most of us experience at some point. The generation gaps seem to alienate us from each other in so many ways, especially when you’re young, infallible, and as informed as you’ll ever need to be, which is how most teenagers feel. True wisdom comes from active listening, inquisition, comprehension, the ability to incorporate advice that has proven relevant and to recognize/dismiss information that is proven false, vain, expedient, or shared out of fear, confusion, or both. Life experience can be found in both short and tall tales, in laughter and despair, life choices and fastballs, camping trips, weddings, bar mitzvahs, fender benders, Jimmy Buffet concerts, and anything else you or your friends have lived to tell about. As my friend DJ Downs would say, “One’s depth is best explored through dialogue. Inquire within.”

And now, a caveat. There’s a type of empathy I believe has negative consequences. You can’t just be a full-time sponge and soak up everyone else’s theories. Bring SOMETHING to the party. Have the assertiveness to speak up and drive the conversation forward. If you haven’t noticed, most of us are spit-balling here, just like you. This might be a whole separate essay, but for now I’m calling it the notion of “determination versus empathy”. Everyone needs a good mix of both. One is useless without the other. Witness the former fire off like a runaway freight train of blind fortitude and it becomes greed. See the latter languish into a life of loneliness and silent observation and it becomes self-deprecating and unproductive.

Determination and empathy. The two notions aren’t so much antonyms as they are like fire and ice.  A virtuous existence demands a delicate blend of determination and empathy, just like human existence emerged from a delicate blend of fire and ice. Our planet hangs tight 92 million miles from the sun, precisely the right distance between the flaming ball of hydrogen and the frigid vastness of outer space, allowing liquid water to form and give way to life.

How exhausting! Let’s put this baby to rest with a sexy quote from Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of our highest potential that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Hyper-theticals: More Fun Than Reality

Listening to: The Avett Brothers – “Talk on Indolence”

If you’re not familiar with Chuck Klosterman, he is the quintessential American pop-culture commentator of our generation. That’s not my opinion; that is pure, unadulterated and objective fact, etched into the rock solid walls of history using ball peen hammers and chisels soaked in indisputable empirical evidence. He examines the innumerable ways in which we consume pop culture and how it affects us, consciously and subconsciously. You probably never thought twice about the implications Saved by the Bell, Nirvana, or the Unabomber had on your life, but I assure you the realization will be fascinating and if nothing else, the most delicious “junk food for the soul” you have ever ingested.

Two of the man’s best offerings include Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs and IV: A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas. Klosterman peppers these books with something called “hyper-theticals” – mind-bending hypothetical situations that prompt you to question your morals, desires, and objective reality. It ends up playing like a twisted, often sadistic version of “Would You Rather?” When playing with a group of friends, you are likely to watch them squirm and aggressively rationalize their decisions. When read in private, you may learn something about yourself you did not previously understand.

Klosterman recently released a deck of cards containing 50 new frustrating and hysterical scenarios for us to ponder. Click here and check it out.

I have a highbrow hard-on for these things, which is why I decided to take a stab at my own hyper-thetical situations. This is more difficult than it sounds, especially when the goal is to stir up moral conflict within reasonably self-aware individuals. Obviously, Klosterman is WAY better than me at this, but if I have sparked one person’s interest enough to read his books, then my work here is done.

Without further adieu…

Situation One: You are a chemist working for a prominent pharmaceutical company.  Your assistant confronts you about a compound that was found in your laboratory. The assistant informs you that “your creation” seems to reverse the effects of AIDS and eradicate the virus from the body. The crowd erupts, the celebration begins, and you are hailed by the media as the brilliant scientist who found the miracle cure for HIV. The truth is, you have no idea where the compound came from, and you had nothing to do with its development.

Situation Two: You are a chemist for the same pharmaceutical company. After years of laboring over the cure for cancer, you have finally developed a universal compound that pinpoints and destroys every malignant cancer cell known to man. That night, the lab is broken into and your compound is stolen. Two days later, a rival pharmaceutical company releases your invention and takes full credit for the discovery. Your career fades into obscurity, but deep down you will always know you changed the world forever. Which of these two situations do you prefer? Swap the illness in each scenario. Does this make a difference?

You and your spouse live together with two cats, male and female. You and your mate have grown quite fond of these cats throughout your relationship, often taking them on vacations with you and letting them sleep in your bed. In the middle of the night, a divine apparition appears to you and begins to explain the secrets of the universe. You manage to remain calm, take the information in stride, and somehow not wake your spouse. This celestial being confirms many of your suspicions about the origins of mankind, morality, spirituality, and the afterlife. Before you part ways, the ghost throws you a curveball. Two of your deceased grandparents (one yours, the other, your spouse’s) have been reincarnated and taken the form of your cats. The felines are self-aware and have understood this fact the entire time, but they had no way of communicating this to you. Do you tell your spouse this incredible story? How does this change your relationship with the cats?

There is a voyeuristic sexual predator on the loose. This sociopath has exactly one video of you with each of your sexual partners, whether it was a one-night stand or a long-term relationship. To clarify, if you had sex with the same person hundreds of times, this amateur filmmaker has exactly one video of a non-specific night between you and your mate. If you had a one-night stand, rest assured that one encounter was caught on tape. The anonymous predator sends you an e-mail offering you $250,000 cash to put one of your videos on a well-known internet porn site, and the video will be selected entirely at random. Once this video is released, the rest of the recordings will be burned and you will not be bothered again. Would you take the money?

You have developed a rare condition. All liquor, whether it’s tequila, bourbon, whiskey, gin, or vodka, tastes like apple juice. Even a cranberry-vodka tastes like Cran-Apple Ocean Spray from the plastic jug. In addition, you never get hangovers. You can get as raging drunk as you want from these apple concoctions without the morning haze and splitting headaches. All of your friends continue to feel the burn and wince from the pain of their tequila shots, and sleep until noon on Saturdays. Your physician describes a relatively simple outpatient procedure that will restore your palate AND your susceptibility to hangovers. Do you attempt this treatment?

You have washed up on the shore of a desert island somewhere near the Oceanic Pole of Inaccessibility. You have no knowledge of how you arrived or how long you’ve been stranded. As you go exploring the wooded areas for food, you stumble upon a giant orchard with trees and bushes bearing every fruit and vegetable you can possibly imagine. There’s also a variety of mid-sized animals milling about, including but not limited to: wild boars, deer, chickens, ducks, and squirrels. As you stand in awe of this discovery, a voice calls out from behind you. You spin around to find an extremely attractive member of the opposite sex holding two unmarked bottles of liquid, one in each hand. You both smile, introduce yourselves, sit down and discuss how you’re both clueless as to how you arrived on the island. Your new friend found these two bottles of liquid buried in the orchard with very clear instructions attached to them. Drink the first bottle, and you will be transported home to the last place you remember. Everything is the same, EXCEPT your five senses will be at half capacity. Your sight, smell, taste, hearing, and touch will be 50% diminished. Drink the second bottle and you will be transported home just the same, except you now possess the ability to read minds. As long as you maintain eye contact with someone, you can hear their thoughts AND, vice versa, they can hear yours. These bottles of liquid are evaporating in the sun like hydrogen peroxide, and it seems that you have 24 hours to make your decision. You and your new, attractive, and seemingly good-natured companion are discussing your predicament, but you get the sneaking suspicion there is more to the story. Your friend has opted to stay put and start over on the island, which is also your third option. Which option do you choose?

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Chuck Klosterman perfected this game. Dive head first into his catalog immediately, if not sooner, and I promise he will enrich your life in ways you never thought possible.

Hello Chaos, My Old Friend.

Listening to: Radiohead – “The National Anthem”

Welcome back, loyal reader! (I’m not sure I can use the plural form yet, readers.) In all likelihood, it’s just you and me right now. Just you and me. Lock your fingers together, sit straight up and stretch your clasped hands out above your head. Count to ten. Now if your chair reclines, pull the lever and lean back a little. Prop your feet up if you are so blessed to wield an ottoman foot stool at this exact moment. Hey, maybe you have one of those wing-lounge chairs with the open cell visco-elastic foam, which was developed by NASA and used in the construction of every spacecraft since the 1970s (and for the record, this foam was the catalyst for the disintegration of the Space Shuttle Columbia as it re-entered the Earth’s atmosphere in February 2003). I need you to be relaxed about this. Take a deep breath. This blog entry will be the one and only catastrophic plunge into oblivion in which you are NOT required to have your tray table in the upright and locked position. No seat belts, no flight attendants, and the no-smoking sign is always off. Help yourself to the mini-bottles of Colonial Club. Get drunk as hell, actually. Let the neurotransmitters explode across your synapses like the Fourth of July. Close your eyes and imagine the nose of the plane dipping swiftly down and back up again, giving you that split second of weightlessness that seizes and elevates you at the same time, stretching and contorting your muscles like silly putty, which might actually feel great if you could overcome feeling like you’re gonna die. You ARE going to die, someday, inevitably, so you might as well ignore that for now. Ignore it, and with the time you have left, force a wry smile and embrace it. You are now in free-fall. Gravity is your only influence. Down is up, left is right, and everything is diagonal, like an astronaut or a deep-sea diver with no concept of spatial orientation whatsoever. Embrace the adrenaline rush and the all-encompassing vertigo. “It’s just a little turbulence,” says the pilot assuredly. It’s perfectly normal. His voice is calm and collected, and he’s absolutely right. Turbulence and instability are the most natural conditions of the known universe. Sheer physics at play in a perpetual back-and-forth struggle, and we only exist because there was enough matter in the universe to put up a small fight against the pulverizing force of gravity… which finally allowed the Earth to coalesce from a giant ball of dust and rocks. Order will always manifest from the swirling chaos, even if the structure isn’t permanent. Nothing is permanent, except nothingness… the black vacuum of space. Read it again now: nothing IS permanent. Find comfort in the grim realities. In my first entry I said that progress is the only constant, and now I’d like to point out how synonymous the words “progress” and “chaos” can be. The infinitely random transformation of energy from one form to the next. Pure and eternal entropy. Perfectly natural.

Whoa, man. Snap out of it! Can we possibly scale this back to something practical? I was TRYING to paint a picture of utter chaos that conversely made you feel at home and in control. The point is, there are very rational reasons to make friends with the chaos. Embrace it. First of all, it’s very rock and roll. It will get you laid. But my lynchpin here comes from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and more specifically Motivation Theory, which states that “a satisfied need no longer motivates”.

A satisfied need no longer motivates. Picture yourself seven hours deep into an eight-hour shift, and you haven’t eaten all day. A bit annoyed, perhaps? Feeling curt and callous towards colleagues and co-workers? At 4:55pm, your plan is to bolt out of the parking lot like a banshee bound for Burger King, or Panera, or Waffle House, or whatever the fuck is nearby, and you’ll be consuming leftover mints and gnawing at the hood-strings of your jacket the whole way there. Welcome to physiological needs, the bottom rung of the hierarchy. Meanwhile, you are not so concerned about the icy roads or the romantic date you have planned for Saturday. Once the basic needs are satisfied and the Whopper Jr. is digesting properly, you will focus more on your safety, your love interests, and your career.

But are you ever perfectly safe? Sure, your roof deflects the elements and your locks deter the burglaries, but your safety is never 100% guaranteed. To project a false sense of security is unwise, which is why you regularly change your internet passwords and check your tire pressure. Is there such a thing as too much love? Too much success? Of course not. These are the noble pursuits we must continuously cultivate to make the most our time here, to maximize the human experience. A satisfied need no longer motivates. Show me a man who is 100% satisfied, and I’ll show you a man who is underperforming. You must inject chaos into your life to avoid becoming too complacent. I say NEVER be satisfied. From time to time, fight yourself to avoid satisfaction. The moment you start leveling out into some form of normalcy is the exact moment you need to throw yourself into something new and unfamiliar. This is a delicate art, and I don’t mean to confuse it with being capricious or disloyal. The chaos is a psychological tool to remind yourself that you have unlimited potential and you should always, definitely, unendingly, perpetually push the envelope, over and over and over again.

Chaos is also a beautiful remedy for depression. Wallowing in self-pity is the same stunted growth as grazing on the plateau of moderate success. Both individuals need to be thrown in a plastic bag of bread crumbs for a little shake and bake, and I’ll help. Now, I’m not advising you to start a fire in your kitchen and take a baseball bat to all of your living room fixtures.  Take a look at your daily routine, and if you don’t like it, CHANGE it. It doesn’t have to be drastic, it just has to be different. First things first, I would change the ring tone on your phone alarm to something that will jolt you out of bed, like heavy metal, Tupac, or Dick Dale’s Misirlou. Keep your lamp in arms reach from your pillow so you can immediately blind yourself with white hot light. Next stop is ALWAYS the shower, which can be quick and conventional, or more of the Kevin Spacey variety. I switched from cereal to hard-boiled eggs in the morning, but drink 6 raw eggs in a glass if it makes you feel like Rocky Balboa. There are no wrong answers here; just take liberties with yourself, have fun, and don’t be afraid to be absolutely insane.

Hopefully this technique will take root and start appearing in the macro-matters of your life. You have to take major risks to reap the major rewards. There is a distinct difference between gambling and calculated risk-taking, between recklessness and boldness, between blind faith and bravado, but I salute all of these things when compared to the white noise, the dial tone, and the fixation of a static existence. If you hate your job, find a new one, go back to school, join a club, join the gym, join a cult, start a business, start a blog, start a juice company, start a band, start a rap career, start your engines, start something you’ll never finish. Make a change, for once in your life. Feel real good, make a difference. Make it right.

If your head hurts now, you didn’t drink enough Colonial Club back in the first paragraph. Cheers. Oh well. It’s probably just you and me anyway. Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt strapped to a post, hanging upside down amidst the eye of an F5 tornado. Hold me closer, tiny dancer. I’m Mad About You. “Mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time…” and so on.

Say it out loud with me. “Hello Chaos, my old friend.”

I Don’t Trust These Cynics

Listening to: The Raconteurs – “Old Enough” from Consolers of the Lonely

I’d like to go on record saying that unchecked cynicism will be the death of us all. Everyone falls under the cynic’s spell from time to time, but some people strive to make a mockery of the entire world. These are the people who are generally disagreeable, quick to derail any notion into irrelevancy, and altogether difficult to hold a conversation with, especially if the topic is hypothetical. The cynic has trouble digesting scientific facts, much less speculative exploration. Sentences become drenched with sarcasm and jaded negativity, even when discussing something trivial. Do you really feel that strongly about the popcorn jelly belly, or do you just need to distance yourself from the rest of the world?

I reckon these unabashed cynics feel entitled to their attitude, having “been through some shit” in their lives and losing all hope for reconciliation. Now they vent their frustrations on the world. I will concede that NOT ALL CYNICS ARE LOST. Some of the most influential scholars of our time are thoroughbred cynics. (Aesop, Voltaire, Nietzsche, Shakespeare, Hunter S. Thompson, George Carlin, Bill Hicks, the list goes on). If the criticism stimulates conversation, it may challenge people to work harder, find a new solution, blaze a new trail, and quit being a stick in the mud.

What bothers me is cynicism without justification. I encourage everyone to stay inquisitive and probe for substance within the cynic’s propaganda. Maybe this person really is disturbed by the box-shaped Honda Element or the music of Kings of Leon. Maybe your girlfriend’s parents caught you pile-driving their daughter in the backseat of the family Element while “Sex on Fire” blared through the radio, and now everything about that night is ruined (especially your relationship with the parents). What surfaced as cynicism is revealed as… well, just a big misunderstanding.

Unchecked cynicism is like a jedi-mind trick embedded in every conversation. By being dismissive of everything, the cynic appears to know something you do not. To make matters worse, I think this phenomenon operates on a subconscious level, where neither the cynic nor the surrounding cast know why they think or feel this way. Everyone is in agreement; Justin Bieber is a hack who doesn’t deserve his current success. This may or may not be true, but nine out of ten random people at your local watering hole will nod their head at this statement. This is SO dangerous, I can’t stress it enough. This type of thoughtless dismissal will erode your capacity to appreciate anything, ever. If your default setting is cynicism, you will find it difficult to enjoy yourself, to be involved, to indulge, to pour your heart into something, and to reap the benefits of hard work and dedication. You have become comfortably numb.

“The only way you’ll ever learn a thing, is to admit that you know absolutely nothing.” – Jack White

So, how do we rival this unchecked cynicism? Be open-minded. Do the unexpected. Make mistakes. Find glory in the struggle. Force yourself outside of the comfort zone. Afraid of heights? Climb a tree. See somebody attractive? Say hello. Hate exercise? Run around the block. In the rain. Clothing optional.  THIS IS BETTER THAN THE ALTERNATIVE, which is to coast through your one and only life without ever experiencing what it means to be alive. Accept people for who they are. Challenge them to become better. Indulge each other’s wildest fantasies. Go balls deep. Stay up all night. Do not assume, ever. Do the research. Stay thirsty, my friends.

The Ether Drift

Listening to: Incubus – “Echo” from Morning View

So, here we are. 15 billion years in the making. Divinely determined bolts of lightning tear through the Earth’s atmosphere, energizing the primordial soup and generating amino acids from inorganic compounds. (Check out the Miller-Urey experiment).  Amino acids are used to construct the proteins in living cells. Fast forward 10 billion years of natural selection, and now we have the internet. OK, there were a few ice ages in there somewhere, the Cretaceous-Tertiary extinction event, Hiroshima, 9/11, and Michael Bolton won the Grammy for Best Pop Vocal Performance on “When a Man Loves a Woman”. That about covers it.

Pundits predict that our exponential advancements in technology have arrived too much too fast. Nuclear holocaust threatens our extinction. The seeds of Enlightenment have not had ample time to take root in our egocentric minds. Diplomacy and egalitarianism are still riding bitch in the backseat while greed and ethnocentrism are steadfast behind the wheel. Those in power seek little beyond lining their own pockets with gold. How much can you really blame them? The world population climbs to 7 billion. 500 million people across the world are homeless, 46 million are uninsured. 6.1 million people tuned into the season finale of Jersey Shore last year. These problems are overwhelming, and their scale causes many individuals to throw their hands up and say fuck it. Why fight the good fight when defeat is so imminent?

This frame of mind falls under many categories, but I’m going to call it pessimism. People who share these negative, self-serving, and nihilistic philosophies are missing the point entirely. I get it. The light at the end of the tunnel is but an ember in the sea of darkness. Your opponents are an unstoppable force and an immovable object. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack. We’re up Shit Creek without a paddle. (Don’t worry, there are enough platitudes for everyone to share.) The problem is, we can’t see the forest for the trees. (That’s five.) But we never could!

Friends, this has always been the case. The strife that has plagued mankind since its inception is more insurmountable than we could ever fathom. The history books alone describe natural disasters, mass extinctions, genocide and endless wars. We have broken many eggs to arrive at our current omelet. (Six.) Our perseverance through such bouts is unspeakably impressive, and we owe our survival to the most basic of human instincts: the will to live. This is the blind ambition of the human spirit; it is the stubborn, persistent advancement of a species that refuses to die. This spirit burns like the phoenix inside each and every one of us, whether or not we choose to embrace it. Often times the spirit provides means to a different end, such as love, virtue, charity, companionship, gratification, or any of the thrilling rewards our world has to offer. We strive to uncover the purpose for our existence, derive meaning, and to make the best of an often grim situation.

Next time you’re in Chicago, or Toronto, or hell, even my hometown of Cleveland, Ohio, I want you to take a long, hard look at the skyline. Stand and observe the ominous buildings that defy gravity, licking the illustrious blue basin of the sky and standing valiantly in a row across the horizon. Think of where we came from, how we have evolved, all we’ve accomplished, and tell me that human beings aren’t capable of absolutely anything. The main obstacle to overcome is our own negativity.

Do our current problems present an overwhelming task? Yes. Has the advent of thermonuclear weapons posed a threat to mankind unforeseen in centuries past? Probably. Has the mass media assaulted us with so many luscious distractions that we are reduced to passivity and egotism? It’s possible. But COME ON. Nobody puts baby in a corner.

It’s unlikely that any of us will live to see peace and equality for all human beings. But this is not, and has never been the point. The point is to make PROGRESS. The point is to learn from human experience and press on; transcending what once was in favor of what lies ahead. The INTERNET has afforded us the capacity of unlimited communication. At your fingertips is an enormous wealth of information. Trials, tribulations, and lessons learned throughout millennia of human experience, all compiled into one easy accessible library that fits in the back pocket of your fucking Dungarees. All you have to do is open your mind, educate yourself, and put together a positive message that supports the elevation of our species. Call it naivety, idealism, or romanticism. Call me the eternal optimist. Too many people succumb to insignificance and nihilism, claiming to be a mere blip on the radar screen. I believe that the spirit of progress is the only constant in our universe. Your ability to communicate, educate, and promote progress is your one and only union with infinity. For me, this union is a brilliant spectacle. It deserves praise beyond any idolatry, gods, or goddesses we have worshiped in the past. If not for you, do it for the next generation. If not for them, do it for your ancestors, who had it twice as hard with far less returns. (And were it not for their late night frolic in the farmhouse, you wouldn’t be alive in the first place.)

So, here we are. Drifting through the cosmic ether, attempting to leave some footprint in the sands of time. I do not wish for every entry of this blog to cut so deep that you pop two Excedrin after each post. The universe is a marvelous place, filled with splendor and excitement for as far as the Hubble telescope can see. My primary objective is to explore that space, to learn, to educate, to entertain, and to exploit my circle of friends for some of their astute, engaging, and frequently hysterical insight. I hope that you, the reader, will participate in these discussions, offering your own piece of the puzzle. Communication = Education = Progress.

So don’t be shy, swing by often and unannounced, and whatever you do, enjoy the ride.

-BV